sunglasses and scores

it all comes at once

2009-10-05T00:00:00.004+01:00

Last week was one of the most hectic weeks I've had for a long time. It started with my first week of lectures and seminars, of which I had not done the reading, quelle suprise. I really do love Goldsmiths, and 3 our of my 4 modules I have to take this year are truly exciting. I certainly feel I have picked the right course, finally, though I'm already itching to do the MA in Gender and Culture studies, but I've got at least 3 year to wait before I can have the pleasure. Also let's face it, who expects me to keep on track for that long, with my past history of fickleness.

Anyway that was only the beginning of the week. Tuesday was my first introduction to the feminist society at Goldsmiths. It left me hitting my head against a brick wall despairing that it seemed there had been no progression in the minds of these young women and they seemed to be stuck on the second wave feminism of the early 80s. I'm am still hoping that this was just as a reaction to two badly chosen short films and indeed they were better after the discussion the next day on 'where are all the women in art'. Though I wasn't pleased to be subjected to a bizarre documentary with Tracey Emin.

Wednesday came along and it was the first of the two funerals I attended last week. This one was the funeral for a truly great woman who I had the honour to know and to sing for on a number of occasions including her funeral. Marjorie Helps, who was as old labour as anyone I can think of, who worked tirelessly until health inhibited her, who in her last week in hospital, still in full command of her thoughts was saying 'I tried my best for Newham', who without I would not have my job and many would not have any musical education, was laid to rest on Wednesday. The lady was dignified until her last. I sang 'London Pride' through a very thick cold and I'm pretty damn sure she'd have been very pleased to hear it.

By Thursday I was being hassled by the charity I've volunteered to help with fundraising for because I'm a little behind getting their fundraising material ready, but in the circumstances I asked for forgiveness and made no deadline promise, but hopefully will get a lot done next Tuesday.

Friday was by far the most difficult one. Friday was the second funeral of the week and it was the funeral of my dear friend's Dad. He helped me a great deal when I first moved back to London. He took me on holiday to Slovakia, he showed me how to dance by grabbing hold of me and spinning me round his living-room, he called me his other daughter until his new wife went all loopy loo and banned me from the house because she thought I was having an affair with him because I laughed at his jokes. I hadn't seen him for a few years even though I knew he was ill. I hadn't been to the house for many years because after she moved in all soul was scrubbed away and I was no longer welcome. On Friday I returned to the house to support Cas and to say good bye to him, though the Frank I knew left many years ago. I was so proud of Cas at the service, I'd almost forgotten how good a writer she is and the eulogy she read was absolutely perfect. By the end of Friday I was truly wacked and the cold that had been threatening to attack all week finally got me. Since then, apart from a day at work at the academy on Saturday, I've been curled up on a sofa at my parents house. Then returning to my house (which I think of as the hippy uni lodge) I started to do all my work that I need to do before Monday.

And so the week of argggg has finished and now I will try and regain some order. (Though just as the week was finishing I heard that my grandma in Southampton is unwell and we suspect that she had a stroke or something).

I don't wanna do my homework

2009-05-13T17:27:00.004+01:00

It has been quite a busy couple of days and I'm so damn tired. It doesn't help that I have hayfever due to the amount of pollen you can actually see falling off the trees. Damn them.

For the past two days at the school we have mainly been working on the past tense. I did expect this, however I did not expect my reaction once we started doing this. On the first day on the first morning, our teacher announced we were to start work on the past tense. My first instinct was to keep my head down, try and understand what I could and hope for the best. However, because I have a big mouth and perhaps the best oral skills in the class I thwarted my own plan. Once we had to all take and active part in changing phrases from the present to the past tense, this is when my bizarre reaction commenced. First came the raised heart rate and the shakes when picking up the paper. I then spent the rest of the morning close to tears and feeling really quite ridiculous.

All I can say is thank you so much Ms Chapman for psychologically damaging me and my ability to speak in the past tense or write in French.

Thankfully today, when expanding on the subject I was a lot more at ease and quite open about just how many mistakes I was likely to be making. However, that does not stop the fact that I really don't want to be doing my homework right now, in fact I could quite happily go to sleep. Who knew school was that tiring.

arg it's hot

2009-05-11T17:17:00.003+01:00

Since my last post I have changed my mind and am not going to Italy as I am having too much fun in London.

Also, I have decided on my university and excepted an offer to Goldsmiths to do Sociology and Cultural Studies. I'm so so impatient to get that started but as I have learned oh so well, I cannot hurry up time all by myself.

Also (my my it's been a while since I updated) I have left the Alps and am now as I type in a very brightly coloured room in Aix en Provence. I arrived here yesterday evening after a long train journey across the country with a very heavy and without my ipod (idiot that I am). So far it has been a mixture of the bizare, the beautiful and the interesting.

The bizare is the lady with who I am staying. She is a 62 year old French lady whom has lived here most of her life, her family has flown the nest but I know nothing of the husband, she has not mentioned him. She has however mentioned over a salad last night all of her ailments and the experience of bad food poisoning in Tunisia. In fact I know far too much about her bodily functions I'm considering making an 'over share' sign to have with me everytime she opens her mouth. She also spent a great deal of time telling me of the terrible experience she had with the girl that stayed with her last summer. So all in all a good welcome!

The beautiful is of course the city. I still feel that one day I would be most happy living here, even if it were for a limited time. So many attractive women, so many bars, so many fountains and a very relaxed atmosphere. I'm off out again this evening to have dinner with a guy called Chris who is in my class. He seems quite an interesting chap.

The other interesting is the school. They're lovely and friendly and I feel my French is going to come on quite quickly. According to the woman that assessed my oral skills I have to think a little more before I speak as at the moment I'm rather lazy. I have also developed the skill of avoiding the past tense like the plague. We had homework today so Chris and I decided to go to a bar and do it over a drink, it certainly made it much easier.

Anyway, that was my quick catch up post, and I promise to start putting things of slightly more interest up from now on. I just felt I should fill in the gaps a little.

italy here I come

2009-04-04T21:30:00.003+01:00

I got an email a couple of weeks ago from an Italian family who are looking for an aupair for a month from mid June to mid July. I ummed and ahhed a bit as I do with any decision, but in the end emailed back telling them a little more about me and the fact that my Italian is little to none. I didn't hear back from them for ages and so had presumed it was a dead end, until this evening. Well it seems the wish to offer me the job and I've decided to take it. I will get back from my language course in Provence at the beginning of June and have 1 week in order to get my head into Italian mode.

I do enjoy the fact that you really can't predict life, and so long as you take a few steps in order to make it interesting, you will be rewarded. My few steps were freeing myself up enough to be able to take advantage of oportunities, putting my details on an aupair website and hey presto, new exciting oportunities come my way.

So Squinzano, little tiny town in southern Italy, a region famous for it's wine and olive oil, beaches and long warm nights, here I come. Must stock up on suntan lotion!

eeny meeny miny mo

2009-03-31T20:14:00.002+01:00

I ended my last post with a very definite statement that I would be going to Goldsmiths University to study Sociology and Cultural Studies.

Well that might not me so.

I received and email from Durham University asking if I would be able to go to Durham to meet with the department and Mary's College. Obviously I told them that I couldn't straight away as I'm in France at the moment. I have set a meeting with them for the first week I'm back in London at the end of April. First of all I just set it as a 'why not' sort of thing. But as I have let the thought and prospect of Durham ramble in my brain it's becoming more and more attractive. There is no denying that Durham has a much better reputation than Goldsmiths. I also have a number of friends living in the 'city' and so have a house I will be able to live in for the next 2 years at least. It's also a hell of a lot cheaper than living in London.

However, it's not London and I miss my city.

I have resolved to not make the decision until I actually get a firm offer from Durham and I have been to the department and got a feel for the place. Although I have been hanging around there for the past 4 years, I've never stayed longer than about 3 weeks and I've always been on holiday or working on a play.

In other news spring is still in the valley despite a few snowy days and today I took full advantage with a 4 mile run along the river on the valley floor. Tomorrow I will do the same and perhaps even go for a swim in the afternoon. I do wish the swimming pool was open in the morning, I always prefer swimming in the morning not in the afternoon or evening, oh well. Only 25 more days to go and I will be heading back to London for a right ol' piss up in Soho.

sun makes the difference

2009-03-26T10:41:00.003Z

So I think maybe my last entry was a little bitter. I was suffering from the winter blues a little. The winter is so long and so fierce here, the novelty of digging your car out from under the snow and wearing everything in your wardrobe all at one time wears off pretty quickly.

However, the winter has now warn off as well. Though even when it's cold there's a fair amount of sun here, the spring has arrived and with it the temperatures have started to climb. Last week I went for an 8k walk into the nearest town and back (getting terribly sun burnt on the way, oops) and was able to just wear a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I have also taken a few excursions over to the park in the valley which has a large lake in it as well. I've been jogging there, skipping stones on the water, watching fisherman, not skinny dipping as tempting as it is and playing on the childrens' climbing frames with G.

I also have friends here this week, they were out in Corcheval (sp?) in January but decided to come back out again this week. This time they're staying in Les Arcs, so are in the resort closest to me. I've been out skiing with them a number of times; it's so nice to be skiing with people who are the same standard as I am.

I now have less than a month left here and have my language course in Aix en Provence booked ready to start on the 9th May. I feel unsetteled, from a couple of weeks ago when things here were feeling stale, to it now feeling like my time is seeping away and I must make the most of the place I'm living in at present. The next few months will move quickly as I am doing something different every 4 weeks, so before I know it, it will be Septemeber and I will be getting ready to start my degree in Sociology and Cultural Studies at Goldsmiths University.

what makes a wall?

2009-03-13T11:49:00.002Z

I ran off to Annecy this week having finally done something about having a couple of days off. It was a good move as my relationship with Bourg is becoming stale and I was in danger of thinking that all of France is like this one little town. I had to get out of the valley because after a while mountains start turning themselves from picturesque scenery into walls, too high and too wide to get around.

Things that irritate the hell out of me when it comes to French culture (these are just things that clash with my personality).

~Food is only worth eating if that dish has a name.

~There are certain times of day for certain types of coffee or drink

~If I do something slightly odd it must be something English

~Because I cannot speak the language properly this means it's safe to assume I have no knowledge of anything.

~There is an expected way to behave for every situation.

~The only food/wine available is the food/wine of that region.

Things that I wish I could bag up and take back to England with me.

~When you walk past someone, you say hello, it's rather impolite to ignore people in your presence.

~The coffee really is so much better here.

~You are not expected to disclose personal information, ever.

~My apartment.

Everyday I wish I were either in London or Aix en Provence. They are both less than two months away. I arrive back in London at the end of April and head to Aix for the 9th May. They cannot come soon enough.

mountains to the left of me, trees to the right

2009-03-02T11:32:00.002Z

I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks. Struggling to stay here and to feel like I'm doing something worth while. Every time I feel like I'm struggling all I have to do is go out into town for a bit, or take a quick drive, but the frequency of these struggles is building. I also know that to think this time not worth while is ridiculous. My language skills are improving without me really having to try, just simply from using the language each and every day. As for the rest of the time, it is what I make it. No one else other than myself is responsible for this time I am spending here. I have 2 more months here, 2 months in which to do what ever it is I should want to do.

I have been reading mini biogs of "gay greats" and been being inspired by people making a life for themselves. I often think whilst driving that it's a dangerous thing than has become an every day thing. It's a large metal cage on wheels with an explosive liquid powering it. So yes, driving is a dangerous kinda scary thing when you think of it that way, however, to be in charge of a life and solely responsible for everything that life achieves, that's a more dangerous and scary thing. These are the thoughts that occupy my vast expanses of time here.

I would like some high energy mass social interaction, this is what I am craving.

planing a plan

2009-02-09T16:39:00.003Z

I am a compulsive planner, even though I'm actually yet to follow a plan though completely, they more sort of shape what I'm going to try and do yet. As in I planned to go to Aix en Provence to start a language course, I've actually ended up in Bourg St Maurice as an aupair.

My most recent route is to return in September to grey noisy London (or Durham depending on offers) to study Sociology. I think I have found myself a subject that I will be really very interested in. The advantage being I have not studied it before so I will not be able to do bare minimum at no study, I will actually have to work at this one. Maybe this will be able to keep my attention long enough to graduate.

Also, I am aware that in just over 2 months time my time in the Alps will be finished and if I am to start university in September, I have a little bit of time to fill. Here is my plan as it looks so far (though as I said above this WILL change and is merely a guide to see where life takes me). In May I will be back in London for a fortnight, then I will go to a language school in Aix until work starts in London for a bit. I then have mid July to mid September to fill. As I have been enjoying my position as an aupair and it is the cheapest way to enjoy living abroad I have been looking at families, to spend their summer holiday with, either in the south of France or in Italy. I have already found an Italian family (well it's just the father and his 15 year old son) who want an aupair to basically cook and hang around on their boat as they float round Greek islands for 2 months. I have sent them an introduction letter and they've added me to their favorites.

Bring on the adventures.

a busy week

2009-01-21T09:04:00.002Z

The rest of the world has started invading Bourg. Last week I had F here from London, this week I have X here also from London who I've know for considerably less time. It's been a fun week even with the palaver of Easyjet not putting on his bag with brand new snow board in.

Yesterday I got to have a go on a snowboard and though I didn't leave the baby slope, once I was moving I instantly found it a lot more fun that skiing. I am not an amazing skier but I can competently manage the red runs in the resort, however, all I have to look forward to with skiing is getting faster and being able to ski harder slopes and steeper angles. I think that learning to snowboard might just bring me a nice big challenge with lots of rewards. I have rented a board for a week but hopefully after this week I will be changing my skis to a board and off I go.

My mother has set up a group on facebook against my 'smug updates' little do they know I've been toning them down trying not to make my life here sound like some kind of utopia, no holes bared now. Everyone can here about the beautiful family I work for, my lovely apartment, the stunning views and the general sense of well being and smugness I feel on a regular basis. (Yes there are lonely times and some boring times, but they really don't last for long and I've plenty of ways to get rid of said boredom or loneliness).

I think after this week I will be glad for a quiet week of normalcy before the resort and my apartment starts filling up over February and half term. But for now, bring on the chatins.

chez alice

2009-01-15T09:39:00.002Z

I was asked a couple of days ago where I live. I gave the name of my tiny village here "La Chal" and didn't realise that the answer they were looking for was where I live in England. But right now, I live in La Chal, not London. My clothes, books and DVDs, my food and my bed is in La Chal. I feel that my home is where I lay my head that week, perhaps one day I will have a greater bond with a specific place but right now I only attach myself to people not places.

I miss my people quite a bit and am looking forward to a few more coming and visiting. Right now I have an old friend here in the resort near my house. It's been great having someone around from my past (we worked out we've known each other for 20 years!). I think come February half term and the weeks around then I will have a bit of an invasion and I will be able to warm my lovely flat with too much wine and food (even if it has to be cooked in the microwave).

loneliness vs self improvement

2008-12-27T14:18:00.004Z

As much as I like having no stress to deal with and no work to think about even when I'm 'at work' I'm struggling a little.

I don't know what to do with my time. Considering how much I value that elusive thing 'time', I'm worried by my desire to let it pass. The people I have met are all good people but as I said to N, I think they will get a little boring after a while. They are all only slightly grown up skaters.

I know with every minute I spend with the family my language skills are improving.

I know that I appreciate the time in the valley in it's beautiful streets, but there's only so much I can do there.

I know there must be some very interesting people here, I'm just waiting and trying to find them.

Each day I have at least 3 hours which feel like I'm in a waiting room letting time pass.

With time comes opportunities. So far these opportunities grasped are language improvement and ukulele playing. The next thing on my list is to learn a few character songs from victorian music halls. I think there are some long forgotten greats of the 1890s-1930s that I would like to revive with the help of P in Prague if he's up for it.

3 weeks later

2008-12-24T13:31:00.002Z

I'm still here.

I've been here 3 weeks now and it seems like no time at all. At first the days were going really slowly and I was trying to work out what to do with my time. Now there resort it open, I have skis and have had a couple of refresher lessons it's all flying by. Today is Christmas Eve and the family is up in Lille with the grandparents with G the youngest will be staying for 15 days.

I've been hanging around in the resort loads and have made a fair few friends, mainly with those that are working here for the season in the bars or the chalets. They all work long hours and all want my job with only 20/25 hours a week at most. It's certainly an easy one. Though I'm finding it a little difficult to get used to the children. After Newham where all the kids are a little bruised by life and tend to need me for something or other, these kids are completely different. I definitely get the impression that they just put up with me until their parents come home.

I am getting on really well with the middle child A because I think he is a little lonely sometimes and just wants someone to play games with. Yesterday we were playing with their darts board (oh my am I bad at that).

I'm confused by my lack of Christmas spirit. I finally have a guarenteed white Christmas with Christmas trees and lights all over the place but all I'm set to do is sit around in the bar that I've found with wifi and good people. I never really have been much for the whole obligatory celebration stuff so I'll just meet up have a few drinks and a few friends and take the night from there.

The skiing is good at the moment and after a few more lessons I'll feel like I'm back into it properly. With all this spare time on my hands I feel like I should be doing something constructive but right now I'm just fannying around. Give it a month and I'll actually start doing stuff, honestly.

bourg-saint-maurice

2008-12-11T08:28:00.004Z

First of all I am using a french keyboard and have a 2 year old playing on the sofa, so bare with me.

Well guess what, I have arrived in the strange new world which is b-s-m. I am now the aupair to 3 small children called G aged 2, A aged 7 and T aged 10. As I predicted from the photos T is a very serious boy and spends a lot of his time minding G and only laughed when he plays with him. A was instantly affectionate with me and bath time was very amusing. His mother looked a little embarrased, aparently she wasn't expecting him to run around the house naked 30 mins after I arrived.

The father Ch is a doctor at the hospital so I have not seen much off him, it also makes my hours a little different each day. The mother Cl is very nice but also quite serious. Hopefully once my french emproves I will get them all laughing a bit more.

I'm not actually living in the town: the family house is 10 minutes dive from the strip of shops which constitutes the town, and my apartment is even further away, further up the valley. Because I'm an idiot, I bought my camera but have no means to take the photos off it! Let me just say the village is stunning and very old. No cars are allowed in the village so you must leave it in a little car park outside. All the buildings are squashed in together to conserve the heat.

My appartment is in the back of a house owned by a family friend S. She has wifi, so soon I will be back to the land of the internet and an English keyboard, where it doesn't take me for ever to type. The apartment is all new so very warm with the best invention of them all, underfloor heating, though I'm yet to achieve hot water. This morning I managed to wash by heating some water in the microwave and using a little saucepan to tip water over my head.

It will be time soon for my friends to come and visit me and bring me all the things I forgot to pack. (I have beds free for 5 extra people in my apartment)

Oh also, I haven't seen a mountain yet as it has been snowing since I arrived and has been very foggy. The locals are starting to sound like the english, remarking on the weather at every given oportunity!

alps it is then

2008-11-16T14:04:00.003Z

Well, the family got back to me and I'm all set to head off to Bourg Saint Maurice for the 10th December. I finished work 2 days ago and now have all the bits and pieces to do before I leave. The main thing of course is to get the travel booked.

By the law of Sod, the direct train doesn't start running until 10 days after I need to arrive. I am going to have to take a train to Paris and then either another 2 trains after that, or I will hire a car from Paris. I'm very tempted to hire a car and take the long drive down. I should think it will be quite beautiful.

Of course, now that it comes to booking the tickets, I'm fannying around on my blog as opposed to just getting on with it. So, I'm going to finish her and get those tickets booked.

here we go

2008-11-10T09:53:00.003Z

Today is the beginning of my last week at work. I have piles of papers on my desk, piles of files on my computer and only a smidgen of time. I think come tomorrow I'll kick start my clearing of everything and filing away all the work I've done in the past 3 years.

And on my progress in getting to France. Last week it all went a little topsy turvy. I was about to book my plane and train tickets and then received and email from the aupair website. Having not heard back from a stables that was going to phone me and then didn't, I'd given up on the idea of finding an aupair position as interesting so stopped looking. Anyway, I received the email and thought, hey I might as well have a look. The family that has expressed interest lives in a village in the alps right next to a large ski resort. So yes, should they finally manage to phone me and all goes well, I shall actually be in Bourg-St-Maurice for 4-5 before I head to Aix.

I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up as life has a habit of kicking me in the teeth when I do that, I'm trying instead to be quietly confident.

connecting to a spirit.

2008-10-19T17:51:00.003+01:00

Last night I performed the role of Galatea in Handel's Acis and Galatea. For those who are not familiar with what that last sentence means it's a early english opera, heavy on the solos with not that many pieces for the chorus, a good piece of music in places.

Can you hear my lack of enthusiasm?

I have been discovering all sorts of things about 'my style' and how I feel about all sorts of things in the world. To add to the whole list of realisations over the past few months I had another one last night stood in a church in East Ham with my full length black velvet ball gown singing Galatea with a large number of my colleges accompanying. I do not connect to this style of English music, and believe me I have been trying to find something I love about it.

A few weeks ago I sang at the staff concert. I sang a beautiful Bellini aria from Monticetti e Capuletti (romeo and juliet) and even though I completely lost my way half way through, I was wearing scruffy clothes and had been sat in the office all day before hand, I felt elated.

claiming a hero

2008-10-02T21:01:00.004+01:00

I have been house bound for a few days with flu or something that has knocked any kind of strength out of me and as such I have been spending quality time with search engines and the like. I decided to type in 'famous lesbians' into google to see what was bought up. (no porn on the first page as normally happens when you type in 'lesbian [anything]' into a search engine).

Every community has it's heros and whilst homosexuality is marginalised by 'mainstream culture' it will of course have it's own 'community'.

I came across a list of 'famous lesbians' with links to pages about each person on said list. It really wasn't terribly long, but it was very wide in it's scope. The list being alphabetical was not obvious in it's preferred type of 'famous lesbian'. However, I did find that, whilst it was celebrating some pioneering women who indeed were or are lesbians, it also was desperately trying to take women from popular culture who'd kissed a woman on screen or 'dabbled in is for a bit' as lesbians.

As you can see I titled this entry 'claiming a hero'. Within the space of a blog entry, or indeed within my understanding of the history of lesbianism I cannot fully explain my point, but here goes.

It is my understanding of 'communities' that depending on times and aspirations, they use icons of the community to help 'mainstream culture' to discover things about said community. Amongst the names were women such as Barbara Jordan, an extraordinary woman working in the American political system in the 1970s and Frida Khalo who I hope needs no introduction as a fantastic bisexual painter born in Mexico. I also found in the list and another list a couple of items down in google, people such as Paris Hilton, practically the whole cast of the L-word, whether they've ever slept with a woman or not and Nelly Furtado, to name but a few.

Whilst I understand intellectually that a young girl trying to come out may find it comforting that some of their much admired celebrities 'kissed a girl and liked it'. (I say intellectually as I was one of those rare young lesbian girls that never really had to come out, and I understand my privilege in this situation). I wonder at this incessant claiming of each woman as a hero for the lesbian community. I wonder if someone could shed light on how claiming Paris Hilton as a lesbian, or at least a woman attracted to other women, will help any of us or our community at all.

neglect

2008-09-30T15:15:00.003+01:00

Yes , I have totally neglected this blog that I started to keep me on track with all the things I'm meant to be doing. Well, time is ticking by and I haven't started revising for my management test. I still have nowhere to live and I haven't booked my language course.

Some of this has a reason. Okay so the lac of revision, no excuse, I just haven't done it. But I will, honestly.

Nowhere to live...not my fault, I'm spending every spare moment online trying to find a flat in Aix. Because this is going so slow I've decided to sign up to a few aupair agencies. I figure if I can get a position for a few months, that will give me time to sort everything else out. I hope.

But now that I've given myself all these extra options, none of the are yielding a roof over my head for when I reach france. ARGGGGGGG.

No, no stressing, the whole point of moving to france is to stop my incessant stressing and planing and being sensible from day to day. It will work out, even if I end up staying at the citadine hotel for a few weeks, it'll work out. Yes.

time takes time

2008-09-09T10:01:00.002+01:00

It is now 2 months until I leave my job and 2 and a half months until I leave the country. Just as time can seem to vanish without us noticing, it can also stretch out like the longest running track at school during a sports lesson you don't want to be at. I'm finding my last 2 months is sat in the middle of these two points. I have piles of things to do before I go and I haven't really started that many of them. For one I'm still yet to go and visit my grandmother and see how much money she's willing to give me. Then I have to book onto my language course, find somewhere to live and work out all the rest of that sort of business. It's getting terribly official and just a little be scary now. I'll be plonking myself in a country I don't know terribly well, in a language I only sort of speak, completely on my own with no plans and probably not quite enough money to stay there for my ideal 6 months.

Right now I still have my certificate in management that I'm a month away from completing, an opera in front of me that I'm meant to be learning and a wedding I'm meant to be learning all sorts of things for and booking a string quartet. I think maybe these 2 months are just going to vanish before my eyes.

I should also actually officially resign from my job. I've told them I'm leaving but I haven't picked an actual date, not have I officially resigned...hmmm must remember to do that.

Aix, je t'aime plus

2008-09-05T09:47:00.003+01:00

Yes I know I said I'd write about Aix and then I forgot and then I was busy and only now am I remembering that I said I'd do it.

So let's pick up where I left off from the last post a month ago:

N and I arrived in Aix far too late, managed to get into the hotel and sat down for a drink with a mixture of english, spanish, australian and french people in the hotel courtyard and stole a load of their wine. Those these people were not locals to Aix, they did work in Marsaille and were my first introduction to the area. It was definitely a good introduction as they were all very lovely and friendly and made every effort for us to feel at home.

The next morning we obviously set out for the centre of town. Now as I'd only booked the hotel all of 5 hours before leaving for Paris, I didn't really pay attention to how close to the centre it was. It turned out to be a 25 minute walk which I don't mind at all.

My first impressions of Aix after being in Paris went along the lines of: This place is too small, too quiet, what will I do whilst I'm here etc. And then, as we were wandering through the streets we heard some music, so we followed it. In a side street in the old town was a group of musicians going by the name 'gettabang'. They were exciting, lively, lovely and happy. They provided the soundtrack for the next two days along with another group of musicians playing some trad jazz. One evening we bumped into yet another group of musicians doing some kinda jazz funk kinda stuff. It was on the first day however, sat on the fountain with some bread, olives listening to one of the bands watching BEAUTIFUL women sauntering by, families meeting other families for drinks and dinner etc. All I could think is this is the perfect place to stage my adventure, to find new people and to slow down. I think maybe the important thing there is 'slow down'. I know that if I were in Paris I would not do this, I'd be running around from one thing to another, from one side of the city to another, when what I really want to do is wake up in the morning, go to my local bakery for breakfast, head to school for a few language lessons, sit in the afternoon looking over what I've learnt so far, have a drink with friends in the evening and then get up and do it again. I don't want to feel stressed ever again. (This is and unrealistic ideal, but I can try and do it for at least 6 months).

So yes, that was Aix, and I love it, and I'm counting the weeks before I'm there.

I'm so ready for it now.

paris je t'aime.

2008-08-03T11:21:00.003+01:00

So, I have just returned from my little holiday with N. We went first of all to Paris, hung around on Paris Plage, drank beer, watched the sun set etc... we then stayed with a friend of N's in a little Paris suburb. First observation, Paris suburbs are NOTHING like London ones. It was just like being in a little village, only it had access to the centre of Paris within 30 minutes on the RER. We were laden with food and then off we went to sleep ready to a miniature hunt the next day.

Our hunt the next day first thing was actually for the coffee as insanely the people we stayed with had a lot more tea and it took us 20 minutes to find where the coffee was kept. The real hunt started after we got to the centre of Paris. We were determined to find Shakespeare and Company bookshop extrodinaire. I know my way around Paris very well and with Hemingway and his Movable Feast we found it, and it was good (apart from the irritating Americans doing the 'soaking up the culture via the guide book thing'.

Once we had found Shakespeare and Co. we were satisfied, we headed off to Gare de Nord ready to board our train to Aix, we were early and so went and sat at a café for a beer. We then looked at the tickets and realised that in fact we needed to be at Gare de Lyon. Off we sauntered to Gare de Lyon only to arrive 4 minutes after it's departure. Oh well, these things happen, so I went and bought some new tickets for a train leaving in an hour's time so off we trotted to a café to have a bit of food and wine. We sat in full view of the station clock and according to it, left with 15 minutes to get onto the platform. When we got into the station we realised we in fact had about 5 minutes. So we stopped sauntering and trotting, we ran. We ran up to the platform; the train was still there, we ran along the platform to the nearest door; the train left.

We'd missed another one.

So we went to the ticket office, and waited in line. The woman saw our ticket, refunded it, looked at us though she severely doubted we would be able to get on a train ever, told us the last TGV leaving today was leaving in 5 minutes told us which platform and so we ran. By miracles of all miracles we got on the train, found out seats and promptly got more wine to console us with our stupidity.

I was all ready to take these difficulties as a sign that perhaps I should move to Paris and not Aix, it's obvious that subconsciously there's something stopping me from leaving Paris. (I do really love the place).

Anyway, we got to Aix, and to our hotel (miles too late) but the night security guard let us in and so we unloaded and went to sit downstairs in the courtyard for a bit. This is where we met some lovely friendly people who have us some chateau neuf de pap. Oh how terrible that was.

The next day was Aix...I shall write about that later on.

2008-07-29T10:56:00.000+01:00

it's all about me

2008-07-24T22:27:00.002+01:00

I've been living by myself for the past couple of days, which tends to take me a couple of days to get used to. I often spend the first couple of days not knowing what to do with my time and eating straight from the fridge as opposed to actually cooking myself a meal.

However, it's been almost a week now of living by myself and it's all got so much better. I've settled into myself again, so much so that for the first time in a long time I'm starting to really feel like me. There are, of course, other factors in this lovely feeling. Firstly, it's the end of term and so I'm feeling relaxed with no more competitions and concerts etc. (just a 4 day summer school). Secondly, and I think this is the main thing actually, I've been going to the gym a lot and now I've started jogging. I feel like I could get as fit as I was when I was at school and cycled everywhere and spent all weekend doing sports.

Because I feel so much like my old self I'm going to cut off all my hair. Seems like a bit of an odd thing no? But really, I only grow my hair to distract people from how much weight I've put on, so now I'm going to cut it all off and have a really fun hair cut. Such a girly thing, but I don't care, I do it sometimes.

crawling to the end

2008-07-22T08:50:00.002+01:00

And so we are reaching the end of term. I am becoming aware that this is the last end of term i will have at the Academy because come September I will be tidying up all the loose ends in preparation for leaving for France in November.

Now, my original idea in creating this new blog was to document my journey to France and how things go once I get there. I have not said a great deal about it as not much has happened, but I shall fill in what has so far.

I've been dutifully studying French as and when I have the opportunity, and as such am feeling a lot more confident about making the most of my language school once I'm there. I've booked a short holiday in Aix to check it out, make sure I like the place and visit the language school. I'll be leaving with N in a week's time for Paris, where we'll be staying for 1 night with friends and then heading down to Aix to camp for 3 nights. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this and N and in the many years we've known each other have never been on a holiday of just the two of us. We've also often talked about Paris and this is the first time we'll be going together, not that either of us are strangers to the city.

Accommodation wise, I was not going to book this through the language school as it's a little more expensive than I'd want, but I've decided that if it's possible I'll stay with a host family for the first couple of weeks and then find a flat from there. I suppose if gives me the opportunity to actually meet the people I'll live with before I plunge straight ahead. All that I have left to do is have a chat with my gran about how much money she's willing to give me pos. lend me. That's going to be a difficult conversation to have. Not because she doesn't want to give me any money, but because she wants to give me too much and I don't know if I can accept it.

bust up at the rhymes

2008-07-13T13:41:00.003+01:00

haha, I love putting cheesy titles on my blog entries.

Yesterday was the final for the busta rhyme competition. As I may have mentioned before, all of the young people that got to the final were absolutely great. Each and everyone of them with the ability to produce a great performance. But coming up to the final I was prepairing to judge not on who did the best performance but who had the brightest future ahead of them in music and who had the ability to make the most of the prizes and studio time they would be given.

Unfortunately I completely and utterly disagree with the choice of finalist. I think out of all of them she has the least ability to pursue music as a career and I don't think she gave the best performance on the day.

I found that I was just plane incensed by the outcome. I've invested so much time in all of the young people and I cannot fathom why she won. It was mainly the two ladies judging from radio 1 and radio 1 extra because the girl had picked a song that the audience would respond to and had coped well with tech difficulties.

I'm angry because I believe that she will not be a good reflection on the competition and I think every other contestant I would have been happy to see win, apart from her. I really am not saying that she's not a good singer, or anything like that, and in fact she's a lovely lovely girl, she's just not ready yet.

disappointment sucks

2008-07-08T21:56:00.004+01:00

So a few months ago I had a phone call saying I'd been nominated for an invitation to the queen's garden party and needed to pick my guest. As I was surprised that the person had nominated me and not my mother I picked her. I'd been really chuffed that I'd been invited because I tend to work myself to the bone for other and wonder from time to time whether people notice.

Today, I was at the palace. I deliberately stayed at home instead of going into work to get ready properly. I bought a hat (admittedly quite cheaply) I put on my best dress and headed into Newham to be picked up by the mayor's car and head off to Buckingham Palace. Unfortunately we were going with one of the world's most boring people, but that can't be helped.

I got to the palace and had a nice wander around the gardens, the military bands were doing a good job. The food was all nice. The palace wasn't at all that amazing, but then I had be at the Windsor Castle state apartments a little while ago and they far outstrip Buckingham palace.

Then, it was the build up for the the Queen to arrive. This was when I noticed the enclosed 'royal tea tent'. It appeared there was a hierarchical system with the guests. A friend of mine appeared to be in the royal enclosure. Unsurprisingly as she's the Queen's chaplain, but I just feel it plain wrong that there is a hierarchy of guests.

I'm angry that I was invited to the palace as an acknowledgment of my hard work only for feel like I was one of 'the little people'.

long weekends of love

2008-07-07T09:55:00.002+01:00

Monday morning in the office and I'm still wearing a black lace cocktail dress and a white jacket stolen from a friend. I've already this morning woken up in an area of London I don't know well at all and followed someone through an estate to find the train station and miraculously gotmy way into work before 9 am.

My long weekend of love: oh how I feel like super woman right now.

Friday, I did a radio interview with a local station about the charity I work for. On finding out I'm a vocalist the interviewer asked to hear me sing, I postponed it as long as I could but when the time came I'm pretty damn sure it sounded great even if I say so myself. Shopping in town with Ninny-poof and beautiful dressed (many needing taking in) bought and ready to show off.

Saturday, always going to be a good day. Jazz night preparations in the morning followed by the quarter finals of the Busta Rhyme competition, thankfully next door to where the Jazz night was sound checking. Wow can these kids pull it out of the bag when it counts. Such thorough entertainment. The evening I was comparing the Jazz night with the best dress in the world. It was my first comparing gig, but if any thing's go by from the feed back I'll be getting another gig some time soon. I loved the rush of ad libbing the entire thing. I don't see how it's possible to script these things anyway. There are too many anomalies to cope with. From Jazz night to a friend's house party with lovely lovely people...what a day.

Sunday, very sleepily I found myself back at Stratford for the Semi finals. Thinking I'd had a long day yesterday, but oh no, Trevor trumped me. He'd only got home at 7 am in order to change is clothes have a shower and head out. He'd gone straight out to Soho for Pride after we'd finished the quarter finals. What a man. The kids doing the competition surpassed everything I could have expected of them at the Semis taking me on the biggest emotional roller coaster I've been on since I can remember. I laughed, I cried, my jaw was touching the floor with shock and sheer joy.

My feet haven't hit the ground yet and I don't intend on letting them.

I'm superwoman and I'm in love with life.

suited booted and ready to go

2008-07-03T09:48:00.002+01:00

It is 9:48 hours and I am getting all set to raise some money. The past months has been spent in a mad rush to get invites out, haggle with printers and caterers and phone any company that might have anything to do with charities in the East End. And now, here we are, the drinks reception is happening this evening. I have about 40/50 people coming. Including large companies with Billions of pounds at their disposal.

I don't expect that at the end of the evening to have a pile of cheques all written out to Newham Music Trust. But I do hope that we will be gaining some very valuable supporters that may just make life a little bit easier for us all.

How odd it will feel tomorrow when this is all done and I've only got a few other million things to get done before the end of term.

a bad night

2008-06-22T23:52:00.001+01:00

I am just a cigarette and some sleazy jazz music away from a text book definition of a 'dark mood'.

It's all about progress.

2008-06-20T21:53:00.004+01:00

And so, I have finished the heats and today the call backs for the first round of Busta Rhyme. (type in Busta Rhyme Newham to find us on You Tube). I have so thoroughly enjoyed meeting all the kids that have come to show us their talent throughout Newham. I'm trying desperately not to sound like a press release or funding document here. But my pleasure is complete and honest. I'm so impressed with them all. From those who have presented us with a fantastic performance to those who have just taken that first step of performing in front of an audience.

I'm finding it difficult this evening to concentrate on my personal dream of living in France for some time because I have made some invaluable links over the past few weeks. Links with people who are honest and clear in their wish to improve the lives of people in east London. With no alteria motive other than to do good. I just don't understand what I feel right now. I'm determined to go to France and do something for myself. But I'm starting to think that once I'm back from France I will return to Newham in whatever capacity people will have me, in order to carry on the work that I have started. Perhaps my conscience gets in the way of me doing what I think I should do for myself...what that is I just don't know.

Have you ever noticed that conscience has the word 'science' in. In fact if you analyse the way that word is made up it is: con, meaning 'with' and 'science' meaning thought. With thought. Our conscience, is our thought. But there are thoughts that each human being have that they would not assign to their 'conscience'.

Arg, I've drunk too much wine and I'm getting too philosophical and should stop now. Tomorrow I may think differently. I just don't know.

bullet holes in the window

2008-06-12T21:58:00.003+01:00

This past couple of weeks I've been touring round the youth centre of Newham judging a singing/mc talent search called Busta Rhyme. Each centre and each group of kids have been so different.

Today I was judging in the Youth House in Canning Town (one of the less desirable areas of Newham should we say). Along my travels I've met some angry kids taking everything out in their music. I expected due to the demographics to this youth centre that this would be where I would meet the most angry of children. I arrived at the centre in plenty of time and the first thing that I noticed was the thick iron bars on not only external windows and doors, but also on internal ones! I then sat down in the room that was being set up for judging which was smelling of drying paint and hadn't got a proper floor down. (Is this really how we want our youth centers to look?) I then looked at the window next to the judges table and low and behold in the reinforced glass were two very clear bullet holes.

To my great happy surprise every child that came and auditioned had wonderful energy, every one had a great presentation for us, and every mc had positive and progressive lyrics.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

filmage

2008-06-12T11:58:00.003+01:00

This is one of my favourite films. Mainly for the acting and the cruelty which Lambert Wilson is excellent at executing. I think more people should know this film.

what weekends are

2008-06-09T10:22:00.002+01:00

For me it is sometimes a rare occasion that on a Sunday night I sit down and feel satisfied with my weekend. As it happens I achieved a wonderful weekend full of food, film, sun and people watching.

I spent my weekend enjoying London. Oxford street being glorious early in the morning with the sun shining. Clapham common being even better with groups of friends sprawled out across the grass occasionally being assaulted by a frizbee, football or over excited puppy. I did however spend a little time out of the sun watching Sex And The City in the cinema. Though the film has faults, I really really enjoyed it. The fault predominantly was the pacing of the film. It sometimes felt a little awkward. But it was still wonderful to see the girls back together for one last shooting.

education

2008-06-06T10:56:00.002+01:00

I work in education, but on the outskirts. I don't work in a school nor for the government and policy making machines, I work for a charity teaching music. As such I keep half an eye on what the government is doing with education and where it thinks it's priorities should be. The latest thing I've heard about is about adult learning.

In England, 56% of adults have literacy skills below the level of a good GCSE while for maths the figure is 75%.

Now, I knew it was bad, but thinking back to those horrible days of GCSEs I don't remember the level being so high that half of the population couldn't learn the skills needed to pass the exam and retain the skills for later in life. It worries me that as a population we do not put a great deal of emphasis on what the government calls 'life long learning'. Since leaving school a few years ago, I've not yet stopped studying something. I did go to university, but only for a limited amount of time, after that I have been working full time and studying part time.

Have so many people forgotten the joy achieved when you finally understand something you didn't understand before?

this is england

2008-06-05T22:23:00.003+01:00

A few days ago I recorded 'This is England' which was being advertised persistently on FilmFour. I made the mistake of watching it with other people in the room. There are films to watch with people as a social thing, and then there are films to watch by yourself. 'This is England' was the later of the two. Simply because of the subject matter, it's difficult for people to watch with another in the room and not pass comment on the demographics of it all.

That having been said, I think the film had some very fine points, though it could have been a great deal better. As a commentary on Britain, skinheads, Thatcherites etc. it could have been fantastic, but it confused itself. Should the film have concentrated either on the characters or the situation, it would have been a lot more enjoyable to watch. Do I mean enjoyable? Probably not, but I've been at work for 12 hours and my brain is starting to ache.

new new new

2008-06-05T15:16:00.000+01:00

I find myself inexplicably creating a new blog. Previously I have been a loyal owner of a live journal, blogging my weekly/monthly activities consistently, venting my peeves and talking to myself. I created my first blog to get over my fear of letting people read what I have written. Since that fear no longer exists I no longer wish to keep said blog.

I also suspect this new blog may have something to do with my 'itchy feet'. Every three years I have moved house, changed school, changed job, cut off all my hair, dated women instead of men and visa versa. This latest three year manifests itself in a move from London to Aix-en-Provence in 6 months time. I intend to document this journey here along with other delightful ramblings.